My wife attempted to “brag” on me, tonight

We were at an event the nature of which is not particularly important in this context.

Anyway, she starts doing what she insists on doing — lamenting the fact that I haven’t played music, nor experienced any interest in doing so, since the fiasco back in 2013.

Several reasons:

  1. Truth be told, I hadn’t really “enjoyed” doing so for several years prior to when we finally moved here (2010).  Specifically: performance (doing “gigs”) had become progressively more grating over time.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve never been particularly “social”  (boring on social phobia, as time goes on), or maybe it has to do with the fact that the music group with whom I was involved for the preceding 20 years had turned into a total fiasco of endless, bullshit drama.
  2. After the fiasco in 2013 (when I discontinued contact with my “blood” relatives), everything else from “back in the day” became shitty and unappealing, as well.

Specifically, the fact that I had been used as a fucking human interest story by my so-called “mother” back during my teens — specifically by way of the music, itself.

Add to this, the fact that the guys from the music group (whom I had considered to be my “best friends” back in the day) had not only known NOTHING about the shitty abusive “family” situation (which culminated  in a psychotic heroin-addict attempting violence against me IN MY OWN MOTHER’S DRIVEWAY), they wouldn’t have given a shit about it if they HAD known.

Think about that: my “closest friends” knew nothing about me — other than the fact that I could be “milked” as needed, if/when they required a relatively-competent guitar/banjo/mandolin person.

Quite frankly, something “snapped” post-2013, and has never returned.

I can’t really explain it.  The only thing I know is that the last several times I attempted to play guitar/mandolin/banjo etc. — the whole experience was viscerally unappealing, and emotionally “dead” in a way I never used to experience “back in the day”.

And now, she has to go and “brag” on me about something which — in retrospect — I can’t help but find at least somewhat embarrassing.

I really wish she would stop doing that.  If — IF — I want anyone to know, I would TELL THEM MYSELF.  IF I had any interest in getting back “into” that….I would do so.

I’m just entirely sure what changed in 2013 — but whatever it appears to have been rather fundamental.

Not only do I  NOT derive any enjoyment from “playing music” — even thinking back on how much I USED TO “enjoy” doing so is…..embarrassing?  Distasteful?  Incomprehensible?

There are times when I genuinely wish I would never have bought that guitar, back at that yard-sale.

 

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